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Four Boundary Problems
Boundary problems can be summed up in two words: Yes and No.
I have two grandkids.
My grandson, James is four and my granddaughter, Andi is 16 months.
James is more compliant and Andi is more of a controller.
The other day James was holding his toothbrush and Andi wanted it.
It was clear that James didn’t want to give it to her and I said to him, “James, you don’t have to share everything.”
Then, for some reason, James let Andi have his toothbrush.
“James, why did you let her have your toothbrush?”
James looked at me with big crocodile tears and said, “I don’t know why I let her have it.”
Have you ever said, Yes when you meant to say No?
Many times, well-meaning parents will pressure their kids to share everything.
(We feel our kids are being selfish if they don’t want to share.)
When we do this we are teaching our kids to say Yes to everything, the good and the bad.
Kids need to have some stuff that just belongs to them, so they learn how to say No.
Here is a good boundary scripture.
“Just say a simple ‘yes, I will’ or ‘no, I won’t.’ Anything beyond this is from the evil one.” Matthew 5:37
There are four basic boundary problems that develop early in life.
- Compliant – Can’t say No
- Controller – Can’t hear No
- Non- Responsive – Can’t say Yes
- Avoidant – Can’t hear Yes
Boundary problems have something to do with how we process pain.
Compliant
Compliant people have unclear boundary lines. They tend to rescue people and take on responsibility for other people’s problems. Their motto is “I feel your pain.” The truth is no one can feel your pain or your feelings. You can empathize with people, but you cannot feel their feelings.
Compliant’s can’t say No because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. When you hurt, they hurt.
Avoidant
An Avoidant will withdrawal when they have needs. They will not ask for help. Their motto is, “I can’t feel my pain.” An avoidant may think, “If I ask you to help, you might say No, and I don’t want to deal with the rejection.”
If you find yourself thinking frequently like this “I will just do it myself” you might be an avoidant.
Controller
A Controller tends to delegate responsibility for their lives onto other people. No is simply a challenge to change the other persons mind. Their motto is “My pain is your pain.”
The bottom line for the Controller is, “If I can control you, then you can’t hurt me.”
Non-Responsive
While we shouldn’t take on responsibility for others, we do have responsibility to love, forgive, respect and understand. Life does not happen in a vacuum.
A Non-Responsive’s motto is, “You don’t have any pain.”
So, how do we establish healthy boundaries?
One way is to have a proper understanding of anger.
Anger is simply an alert that someone has crossed your boundaries, but that does not give you permission to cross their boundaries.
We tend to think of anger as a destructive force, but we all experience anger. It is a normal human emotion. While anger and wrath are linked, they are not the same thing.
Anger is a call to action.
What we need to do is to learn to use our anger to help us establish healthy boundaries.
Here is a scripture that helped me a lot.
“Be angry and yet do not sin, do not let the sun go down on your anger.” Ephesians 4:26
A great book on this subject is Boundaries With Kids by Henry Cloud & John Townsend.
