Church Hurt

We hear a lot about “church hurt” today. It’s an oxymoron. It feels like those two words shouldn’t be connected.

Isn’t the church supposed to be a place of healing?

Why does it seem like so many people are hurt by the church?

The truth is that people hurt people, and the church is full of people. Sometimes, the people we love the most can hurt us, which can be incredibly painful.

People who talk about church hurt usually refer to emotions or hurt feelings. I asked AI to give me a definition of emotional hurt, and this is what I got.

“Emotional hurt is a feeling of distress, anguish, or suffering from non-physical sources, such as events or circumstances that deeply hurt us. It can occur when someone you care about behaves in a way that feels like a betrayal or when you feel like you’ve been mistreated.”

Think about Joseph, Moses, David, Jesus, and Paul. Our heroes all experienced hurt and betrayal from the people of God—more intense betrayal than you or I will ever experience—but they didn’t quit. They continued to walk by faith and fulfill God’s plan for their lives.

My point is this: Church hurt is a normal part of church life. You will get hurt if you serve in the local church, but don’t give up on the church. The important thing is what you do after you get hurt.

Here are some suggestions—some things to do and not to do.

• Talk to the person that hurt you. Most conflict is rooted in misunderstanding.
  
• Talk to a confident or a therapist if it helps.
  
• Do not talk about it on social media.
  
• Take some time off. Commit to a weekly Sabbath. (Much of my conflict came when I was stressed and tired.)
  
• Go for a walk. (My therapist suggested I hit the treadmill for 45 minutes when stressed. It’s been a life changer for me.)
  
• Forgive the person and move on. It is in your own best interest to let it go.
  
• Don’t try to make them pay for what they did to you.
  
• Don’t try to bring down the pastor or the church.
  
• Create healthy boundaries. There is a difference between forgiveness and boundaries. It’s ok to move away from a relationship to protect yourself.
  
• Be aware of emotional triggers. Some places I don’t revisit because it triggers negative memories. I can’t listen to some speakers, and that’s okay.
  
• When reminded of your hurt feelings, do something that brings you joy. Choose to think about something else.

Here are some excellent books that helped me to recover from church hurt.

• Bait of Satan by John Bevere
  
• Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
  
• The Emotionally Leader by Peter Scazzero
  
• Raised to Stay by Natalie Runion

One final thought. There is another form of church hurt that comes from spiritual abuse, and that is something very different from hurt feelings. While church hurt is a normal part of life, spiritual abuse is evil. Spiritual abuse occurs when someone uses a person’s spiritual beliefs to manipulate, control, or scare them.

One example of spiritual abuse is when a person begins to question their own decision-making or ability to hear from the Holy Spirit. They can’t seem to decide what to do without talking to their leader.

This is another example of spiritual abuse: I once had a supervisor tell me, “You need to have a healthy fear of me. When you walk in this building, I want you walking on eggshells.”

If you find yourself in a spiritually abusive community, leave today. Don’t walk away. Run away. You will need help to recover if you have been in an environment of spiritual abuse. My suggestion is to talk to a therapist. I did, and it helped me a lot.

Please don’t quit. We need you, and you need us. There are many healthy churches out there. Find one, sit, listen, heal, and keep running your race.

New Monday With Mark, click the image below to watch on YouTube now!